As the pedals spin on the elliptical machine, I feel so many things all at once.
We are all born, it seems, to feel. To feel love, to feel weary, to feel drawn close and cradled in a family, or to feel what it is to be left alone.
Our hearts are raw and empty at birth, when cold air and bright lights, warm arms and a soft blanket are the beginning of a lifetime of emotional response to our surroundings.
When we are faced with the possibility of evil in our own hearts, we run and hide. “Never!” we think. We cannot bear the feelings that come with our own sin.
But the pain of our own threatening darkness is pressed upon us when life brings us low.
I have seen how my selfishness can wound another. I have learned that I am often accused of the worst because I am capable of committing cruel acts.
I can even see my own ignorance and self-serving dreams in the evil others commit. In many ways I am a robber who mocked the only One who could save him, a woman who offered her child to idols, and a harsh dictator who lived lavishly while others rotted in prison. The deeds that my hands have not committed, my heart surely has in abundance.
Words I read last week have stayed with me, seeping into the deepest part of my soul:
“You feel shame over what you have done, and rightly….But this pain and guilt will lead you to a shining righteousness. Remember, the soldiers not so much pierced Christ’s side as ‘opened’ it, that sinners might easily enter His heart and find forgiveness.” -The Pastor’s Wife by Sabina Wurmbrand
The gospel is God opened up for the world to enter. Our feelings of pain and guilt lead us to His heart.
We are all born, it seems, to feel. To feel our need for His redemption, to feel awestruck in His presence, and to feel His great love.
As the pedals spin on the elliptical machine, I feel so many things all at once.
And I am so very grateful for it all.
