ten realities about being a pastor’s wife

When I was growing up, I recall looking at the pastor’s family on Sunday morning with a bit of envy. They seemed so happy, and I just knew it was because the dad in that family was a pastor. I mean, the man only had to work on Sundays. How awesome is that?

God loves to let us think crazy stuff if it means we will walk right into His plans for us.

By the time I found myself head over heals for a man working in ministry, I understood things a little better. But, there is no way to ever know how life will change until you take a leap off of a cliff and dive into a new season or experience. Marriage is like that, job changes are like that, parenthood is like that. 

You think you know, but you have no idea.

Here are ten of the things I had no idea life would hold when I married a man who is called to full-time ministry.

10. Ministry never stops. (Working Sundays only, indeed!  Ha ha!)  The need for God in the world is so great, that there are always a list of things at the end of the day waiting for attention. If we plan a vacation, we prepare ourselves for a crunch week or two when we get back.

9. I have to memorize people’s names.  This is by far one of the most difficult parts of the job for me.  I am terrible at this.  If I have ever forgotten your name, it isn’t you, it’s me.  I have been known to forget my own friends’ names, the title of the song I danced to at  my wedding, and my children’s birthdays.  Seriously.  Pray for me.

8. People may not like you or agree with you. (and vice versa) Not everyone likes everyone.  Certainly we don’t all always agree.  This sounds simple, but when people don’t like you or you don’t like them, you have to find a way to handle that.  When people disagree with you, you have to still find a way to work together.  The Bible says to be at peace with all men whenever it is in your power (Romans 12:18).  In my opinion, life would be much simpler if we all tried to live seeking peace in our relationships.

7. God always provides.  When we came home from our honeymoon, we had an empty apartment, maybe about $1000, and a bed.  That was it.  Time and time again God has come through for us in the most amazing ways.  I don’t even really worry any longer about financial provision.  We are faithful to tithe and diligent to give above that.  We learn to live lean when necessary and trust God.  He is faithful.

6. Most people know someone in the ministry.  One of the quirky and always (to me) funny things that happens when I tell someone that my husband is a minister is this: they feel compelled to tell me about their cousin who is in seminary, their grandfather who pastored a little country church, or their nephew’s friend who majored in religious studies.  I love that people do this, partly because it tells me they want us to know they value ministers and Christianity, and partly because the more obscure and distant their relationship is with that person the more I enjoy hearing about it.

5. Ministry is what we do, not who we are. We are Christians.  We are God’s children.  All of His children should do ministry.  The only difference between my husband and the business person who leads a Bible Study, or the mom who leads MOPS is that ministry is his sole profession and he does it full-time.

4.  There may be drama. I guess it’s because people are emotional about their faith.  We get fired up and opinionated sometimes.  We are passionate about living out what we believe, or critical of those we think aren’t living it out.  We are often flawed humans who misunderstand people and situations.  Consequently, church can be drama.  If we seek personal holiness and humility, though, we will build a healthy church that can help to absorb the impact of personal drama.

3.  My kids are not in the ministry.  People can sometimes look at the children of pastors and ministers like they are little ministers too.  They aren’t.  They’re kids.  We try very hard not to let those kind of expectations placed on our children by others affect them.  I never tell them they should behave a certain way because of who their daddy is.  We teach them to obey the Bible and love Jesus because God made them and because it is the wisest way to live.   After all, that’s why we live that way.

2. Every ministry position has an “eject” button. Over the years, we have watched people with great talent, greater anointing, and initially good intentions fail in ministry because of character issues.  It is always sad when people who love Jesus and enter the ministry to serve Him can’t make good moral choices.  The humbling thought is that we are just as human, and therefore just as susceptible to sin.  Sin always comes to light eventually, and it rarely only affects the one who performed the indiscretion.  We must live with our hearts laid bare before the Lord and submitted to discipleship, lest we find ourselves consumed with darkness of some kind.  Little selfish ways make space for greater sins.  Planting the gospel again and again in our hearts is the only way to avoid that type of failure.

1. I can’t put it on my resumé, but being a “pastor’s wife” is a job in itself. When our church hired my husband, they hired me, too, in a way.  I don’t know of many other jobs that so greatly involve one’s spouse.  Trying to deflect the responsibility will not keep people from placing expectations on me that I never expected.  Accepting that I play a role in supporting my husband and building the church, and seeking to understand how God has defined that role, has helped me to embrace His call on my own life, and helped me to love Him and His church more than I ever anticipated.