the end of the unraveling rope

It is not a shocking statement to say that our lives have been a bit stressful lately. It would be an understatement if I said that I have been a little overwhelmed with homeschooling, moving, four children, my own church responsibilities and a busy, amazing husband who is working to balance all he must do at work and all he must do at home. I am not statisfied with my ability to handle it. There is much I must do better. There is space for me to grow and learn and strategize. It is humbling to face what looks like a mountain of gigantic proportions with just a little plastic sand shovel in your hand, and hear the call of God to dig your way through it.

I made a choice many years ago to dig, though. I have chosen so many times to love Him more than my comfort, to obey even when it is inconvenient, to seek change even when changing is painful that I am left with no choice other than to dig. I want so much to be more like Him and less like myself. So I dig at the Sierras with a pink plastic lady bug shovel.

Then, in the middle of my pitiful attempt to dig and move the mountain of my inability and immaturity I realize something. My shovel is just way too small and my job is way too big. I need help! What is a girl to do?

I could give up, have a good cry and remind myself that His grace will redeem me even if I never overcome my personal lack of character.

I could eat some chocolate and watch some wonderful old movie and pretend I never saw the mountain.

I could accept my inability as the “thorn in my flesh” that I will just have to learn to live with, and tell everyone else to learn to live with it too.

If I chose any of those I would never be more like Jesus. My children would never see me change and improve so that they could benefit from a mom who wants to love them better today than she did yesterday. My husband would never know the joy of a spouse who rose above her failing and proved to him that she meant every word of her wedding vows when she said she would love him and honor him for the rest of her life. And, most importantly, no one would ever know if the power of the cross was real in my life.

Wouldn’t that all be a shame? To let anger or frustration or exhaustion be the mark of my life is, quite simply, unacceptable to me if I am really a daughter of the King. So I tell myself the following:

“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” Galatians 2:20

“For if we died with Him, we will also live with Him; If we endure, we will also reign with Him; if we deny Him, He will also deny us; if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.”. 2Timothy 2:11-13

“Although He was a Son, He learned obedience from the things which He suffered. And having been made perfect, He became to all those who obey Him the source of eternal salvation, being designated by God as a high priest…” Hebrews 5:8-10

I need a Savior. I need a supernatural high priest who can remove my sin and make me whole. If my life takes faith because I am unable to meet the need, He can help me. He is faithful. He is perfect. He lives in me. There is hope.

Any time I feel the troubles too great to handle I think of the moment when I, like all people, will stand before God the Father, with Jesus at His right hand. The hope of my heart is that God would see in me a life that had been truly worth redeeming. I don’t want to get by on grace alone and squeak into heaven having lived however was easiest for me. I’m not even sure that is possible. No, I want to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”. I want to go through the gates into His Kingdom rejoicing because I made my King proud. I want to be overjoyed because I made my Father glad that I am His daughter.

I have a long way to go before I am who He needs me to be. I am so grateful for the chance to change and become more than I am already. I have a shovel and a Savior, and I am ready to dig with Him. Did I mention that He once said even the smallest faith in Him could move a mountain into the sea? There is so much He is able to do in our lives. We have only begun to see His goodness. We can’t give up now.