At some point in the past eight years, I blinked one time too many and
this
became this
Birthdays are supposed to be all about the person who is turning a year older… you know, the one who was born.
But, every year when Boy 1 turns another year, I can’t help but feel it in me, too.
Another year of motherhood has passed, turning my heart inside out and sending me straight into the place I love- the place where I know I must be more than just a girl with good intentions. I am a mom and that means everything to those four little people looking up at me.
Men think they have it easy, not having to carry and birth the children God gives. But women know it differently. We don’t really forget the pain. For me, it is very clear in my memory, how hard and scary it all was. There were no drugs and no way to make it stop except to keep going until the joy moment when you hold him: the person you alone have known in such an intimate and amazing way. He belongs to you, to your heart and to your soul and he is proof that love can be held and touched and smelled and heard.
Daddies have a different, equally important role to play, but mothers are a baby’s whole world for a little while. For nine precious months we are their source of life and food and love and care. It is a hard job to let go of as the days of newborn neediness slowly progress into the life of a fully functioning person.
Then, suddenly, he turns eight.
Eight years ago I thought I was a mama for him. I thought it was all so he would grow, knowing that he was safe and loved…. I see it differently now.
In so many ways those long dark nights when he wouldn’t sleep; the early mornings when he dozed off in my arms; the bright, happy moment he rolled over, and… Oh! the moment he first laughed from his belly, all full and ringing like bells!!… those memories belong to me and Mr. Fantastic. They are our moments, our joys. Those were the moments that taught us how to be grown-ups, how to love more than we knew we could, and Who could help us when we thought we couldn’t be what we needed to be.
And now, we share new moments with these giant people who once fit in our hands so perfectly. These moments now, they are for all of us in so many wonderful ways. These will be some of the best years of our lives, as the children we love and enjoy so dearly learn to enjoy and love us in return.
Boy 1 will blow out his candles this year, and he will not wonder why we smile and sing. He will laugh and wish with all his might for his own moments and dreams to come true.
And we hope they do, sweet first-born boy. Happy Birthday, Jude!
