“Now I rejoice in what I am suffering for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ’s afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness-” -Colossians 1:24-25
The topic of how others perceive my life as a pastor’s wife isn’t something that I talk or write about a lot. But my internal response to it is woven into all the events of the last three years of my life.
We moved back to Austin, to serve and help our beloved church because for years we had lived in its burning belly and felt the earthquakes caused by others’ sin. When the opportunity came to help, God asked us to breathe in the brokenness and breathe out His grace.
It was thrillingly beautiful to think that God was weaving our lives into glory for His bride.
But breathing in brokenness does things to you. It is a weighty breath, full of swirling emotions, tears of despair, longing for rescue, and hope for deliverance.
Ministry requires more faith and trust than the English language can embody with simple letters and sounds.
To minister the gospel in purity, people must live death and love bravely in the midst of a darkness that is never dark at all to the God of Light.
I have had people offer me pity for the difficult task I embrace as a pastor’s wife. I have heard people tell my husband that he is doing now what others were meant to do, but their sin disqualified them. As if God did not choose us, and as if then we didn’t then choose to answer His call.
I grasp for answers to these words. I appreciate the hearts behind them, hearts of love and respect for us and for God.
But when I think of the words alone, I come closer to despairing in the darkness. Until God rescues me again and reminds me that we are not made good because we choose to do what is hard.
How we live our lives simply reveals to Whom we belong.
I am privileged to bear in my own body the death of Jesus. I am not to be pitied. I feel no despair in His requests of me. I feel only love and awe that God would stoop to lift the dust of my life and breathe His own glory into the dead place of my soul.
What He asks of His children is to do what only He can do. Anything less would never be adequate for our King of Glory, and would make little of His great sacrifice.
Do not despair if the darkness surrounds you, if the mountain feels too high, if others cannot understand how high you seek to climb for Him.
Aren’t these simple words written for us: We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.
And if we live His death and proclaim His life, we shall do great things for Him, to Him, with Him, and through Him.
Yes and Amen to all who fill up in their flesh what the world and the church is lacking in Christ. May you bear Him well in your body of death, and stand in His glorious Life.
We live all for Jesus, or all for naught. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain.
