2011 was our first full year back in Austin, and therefore was my first full year as a pastor’s wife. We began the year with buying an old house with a meandering hallway and mature, shady trees. This was my first year to have three children to homeschool- which is surprisingly WAY more difficult than two to teach. And, if I were pressed to choose a title for the year, it would be that 2011 has been the Year of Emptying.
As we strode into this year, it became clear that more was required of us than we were accustomed to giving. We emptied boxes and bank accounts in the move, emptied our schedules of free time, emptied ourselves of wanting anything more than the beauty of our moments and opportunities here and now. Mr. Fantastic and I read about gratitude and learned the value of the hard eucharisteo in our own souls, and clung to the joy of knowing God had us in His hand. Empty made us better.
And so, I learned the beauty of empty. I heard it in this song, I read about it in this blog. And I began to hope that emptying would be the fullest experience of my life.
After you have decided to love God and His people more than yourself, the most difficult thing to discern is what that actually looks like. For years I thought I knew, but I know better now. This is the year I finally understood that the tightrope between self-denial and self-love is the point on which that life balances. To live empty you must be fully convinced that you are the apple of God’s eye and that without Him you are nothing. It is this narrow way of grace upon which we must walk. I shakily meander it now. I hope to dance upon it jubilantly before I see Jesus face to face.
And so we walk, slowly, with intentional steps into 2012. A new year to be God’s beloved. A new season to find Him in every situation- even the dark times. Sometimes it seems darkest when you have hidden yourself behind omnipotent power. But He is all Light and no part of God is dark. And so it is only our view that is deceiving us.
I anticipate that in 2012 the emptiness will be flooded with Light. I thrill at the thought of what this new Year of Light will hold. His faithfulness and lovingkindness will never fail us. Living empty was not just for 2011. It is for real, for true and for always.
Happy New Year, dear friends. May it be a year full of Jesus.
