The other day, I asked the Lady a question and she said, “Sure.”
When she realized I thought she meant, “Yes”, she got really mad.
“Sure doesn’t mean ‘Yes’,” she said.
I asked what it did mean. She explained that it was a polite way of saying “No”.
Um, right….
Once again I was reminded that kids and parents are often speaking completely different languages. I thought I would pass on some of the translations that I have been able to decode, just in case your children are confusing you like mine are confusing me.
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Here’s what I have figured out so far:
1. “I don’t know.” = “You won’t like my answer, so I won’t give it to you!” Kids use this as a response to questions like, “Have you brushed your teeth?”, “Why didn’t you do your homework?”, or a request for reasoning behind making a really bad choice. Like a detective team, you two have a case on your hands. Offer to solve the mystery together!
2. “I already did.”= “Stop bugging me.” When you hear this, your child is trying to push you away. I recommend pulling out nude baby photos and pretending to use them to make a birthday evite for all his friends. He will warm up to you really quickly. He will probably ask you to play a game, read a book, or help him clean his room- anything to get you to stop working on the humiliating invitation.
3. “I don’t have to go to the bathroom.”= “I don’t want to be bothered with a bathroom break. I’ll scream about it in the car later if necessary.” All I can say is good luck with this one. Depending on the child’s age and capacity to “hold it”, you may have a long day ahead of you.
4. “I had it first!!”= “I am the most important person around. Give me what I want.” This is best handled by taking the child’s argument literally. I like to point out to that child that, in fact, they did not have it first. Several factory workers had it, then a shipping company, then a store clerk, then some other people may have picked it up and considered buying it before it made its way to our house- “I’m not really sure who was the first person in our family to touch this particular item….” I say. It’s really sort of mean to outsmart children like this, but it takes their minds off the power struggle and (bonus!) it’s a good lesson in the manufacturing of products.
5. “She hit me first!”= “Any error I may have committed should be stricken from your memory. I am clearly a victim.” This is an interesting turn of the tables on the “I had it first” declaration. Apparently, first is best and worst all at the same time for kids. This child is playing a dangerous game, and you cannot win in this conversation. Refereeing the fight will mean you have to pick a side, and neither child is probably innocent. The best solution I have found is to put them in a room together (after the hitting is done) and tell them to come out when they have made up. This generally takes abut thirty seconds, either because the fight wasn’t that big of a deal, they worked it out and love each other again, or they let the argument drop because they can’t stand to be alone in a room like that.
6. “It’s not fair!”= “I don’t like what’s happening to me!” Kids have such a delightfully expanded sense of justice. My kids have decided that it isn’t fair that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sundays. Nor is it fair that kids who are sick don’t have to go to school. They feel pains of injustice when only the birthday child gets presents on his/her birthday. And they are shocked that they have to score well on their piano theory test in order to get a medal. No matter how many times I explain that these are all actually examples of the very definition of fairness, they still lament their sorrowful plight. Sheesh.
7. “I love you.”= “I won’t always treat you well, but I need you to never let go of me.” Parenthood is the pressure cooker of sacrificial love, and somehow kids are born knowing that. They spend their formative years making every effort test the bounds of that love. Be stretchy when they push too hard, and bounce them back into reality. They will figure it out when we explain that when we say “I love you,” we really mean, “I’m going to help you learn to do what’s right and love others as you want to be loved.”
8. “I didn’t hear you.” = “I didn’t pay any attention when you were talking. I just nodded my head and thought about cookies to force a smile.” This is a clever, wise child, indeed. Clearly, he can’t be held responsible for information that he never heard. Also important is that no one can ever prove that he actually did hear anything. Ever. Never ever, ever never. In the future, require this brilliant youngster to repeat your words back to you. Also, sign him up for the Future Businessmen of America club,and start reading books on ethics to him at bedtime. Clearly, he is smarter than most adults, and what drives you crazy now will pay for your retirement house on the beach someday.
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Of the thousands of miscommunications I have experienced, these are the very few I have been able to translate. I will let you know when I decode some more, because it can be hard to understand our children while their brains are developing, their wills are strong, and their motives are questionable. We must listen carefully, love deeply, and pay attention.
After all, “Goodbye, Mom. I’m adult now, and I’m off to live my life,” only means one thing…
