It was a hot autumn day ten years ago, and I sat with my feet in my friend’s pool. My belly swelled out, all full of hope and life and love.
I will never forget her words.
“Maybe being a mom is it for you. Once the baby comes, maybe you’ll finally feel settled in who you are.”
Wise friends are a treasure.
After twenty-seven years of hiding who I was, running from who I wanted to be, frustrated by who I couldn’t be, and wishing I could just know who God made me to be, I found my true self in the gaze of deep blue eyes and the sound of the new name I was given.
I became Mama.
I wasn’t changed by the dreams of decorating a nursery, the fun of choosing a name, the beauty of a baby settled on my shoulder, the bells of laughter from a delighted toddler, or the warmth of a child’s breath on my face as I lay near him on a stormy night.
But in all of those moments and million more besides, I learned the true definition of love, and then I learned to live that love.
Love like this will wreck you. It will heal you, and fill you, push you past what you believe you can bear, and then pull you under its wing and lift you to the heavens.
The flame of romantic love is beautiful and marriage vows put it in a safe place, where it can warm us for the rest of our life. But maternal love is wild like the wind over water, and it never really lands securely in our hands. It pulls us onward through the years, giving each season of life purpose and meaning, making life something more than the dawn of a new day followed by the setting of a warm sun.
Mothers are women-made-adventurers, on a quest for their children’s hearts.
My friend was right all those years ago. I am finally settled in who I am. I am a woman on the greatest journey of my life. Above my head is a banner of love flying in the wild wind of life, in my hands I hold the precious few moments of our days together, and beneath my feet the days roll into years.
And always it is God’s love that sustains me when I feel the road is too long:
“The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
-Zephaniah 3:17
