Here’s a taste of the awesomeness that has resulted from reading Loving Your Child On Purpose by Danny Silk:
Mr. 5 year-old (loudly!!!): I AM NOT DOING SCHOOLWORK TODAY!!!!!!
Me (empathetically): Oh no. We will start school when you have finished your morning responsibilities.
Mr. 5: And you can’t make me!
Me: I guess not.
Mr. 5: What are you printing out?
Me: Worksheets and a memory game for your schoolwork.
Mr. 5: Oh. Those look cool. I want to do school!!
Me: We will start school when you have finished your morning responsibilities.
Mr. 5: You can’t make me do that stuff!!!
Me (quietly): Oh, no.
Mr. 5(writhing on floor): I WILL NOT DO IT!!!!!! I want to start school now!
Me (smiling): We will start school when you have finished your morning responsibilities.
Mr. 5: OK, I’ll do two things and you do two. I’ll get dressed and put my jammies in the laundry. You brush my teeth and make my bed.
Me: We will start school when you have finished your morning responsibilities. I’ll be having coffee in the living room. Let me know when you are ready. Take your time.
Ten minutes later, Mr. 5 emerges sheepishly grinning and says, “I’m done! Ready to start school!”. Then tells me later at lunch, “Tomorrow, I am going to get up and do all my responsibilities myself!”. And he did.
This is all nothing short of miraculous compared to how the similar situation used to go. The old way involved time outs, his fists and my legs and lectures on violent anger given through my own clenched teeth. Not pretty or fun for either of us.
I have learned from this book that the stress of emotional conflict and controlling my children with punishment is damaging to our relationship as well as their ability to be self-governed. With some of my children, this has not been an issue. Some are more self-controlled as a result of temperament. Others have been more than happy to learn self-control in order to avoid punishment.
However, even those children have not learned that their problems are theirs alone to solve. I solve their problems by giving them two choices: obedience or punishment. They don’t learn to think of a solution to solve their disagreements or fix their mishaps. They ask me what to do and I help them do it. I now know this creates a lot of work for me and not a lot of security for them. If they need me for everything, how will they ever be free?
Christ came to set us free, and I don’t think He meant for me to be controlling my children’s freedom. He wants them to choose Him with their whole heart. God wants to write the law upon their hearts, not have me hang it around their necks with a note that says, “Do this or else! Love, Mom”.
I now know if I am feeling stressed because I can’t make them obey, it is because I absolutely have never been able to “make” them do anything. They have always made the choice to swallow the veggies, go to sleep, not bite someone, offer to share, etc. This book has given Morgan and me lots of strategies to help create an environment in which they can fail and learn securely, and tools to help them find heir own solutions to their problems.
If any of this sounds interesting to you, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of the book and devour it. Your family may find the same peace and structure in the face of conflict as we have.
Mr. 5 would recommend it too. He and I fight a lot less these days, and the stress level is so low, we weather things like spilled milk and broken toys with a lot more grace. They are his problems to solve, and I am cheering him on smile on my face and sign that says, “You can do it!”
And he can. And so can I. What a revelation.
