When Boy 1 was about two and a half, I suddenly realized how much power I had as his mom. It dawned on me one day as I plotted whether it would be a day of laundry and housework or playdates and Chick Fil A, that I had a lot of control. With very small children we create the world they live in. We create a lot of the obstacles they face (ie. rules about where princess dresses can be worn, or how many bites of carrot are required at dinner) and we create the character lessons they are exposed to (ie. how to apologize, how to forgive).
As they get older, though, this all changes.
We don’t plan for bullies at school. Moms don’t orchestrate a devastating, losing season of tee ball. A teacher who labels your child a trouble maker after a rough start to the year is never in our box of ideas for life lessons. Dress codes that offend our child’s sense of style and create daily battles become overwhelming for everyone.
It is so easy just to wish all these unfair circumstances would go away. Our plans were always birthed from a tender heart for what is best for our children. Life seems to conjure up the opposite.
The reality is, life will continue to do this in all of our lives, long after our sweet babies grow up and have babies of their own.
When I see my kids struggling, I remind myself that they are not just my children, they are God’s children first. I have to push down my inner “mama bear” and pray with them, encourage them, and empathize with them.
What looks unfair to us may be God’s great training ground for them.
Here is a list of things we do with our children when they are facing challenges:
1. Ask questions and listen carefully. Sometimes I think things are a bigger deal than my kids do, and other times it’s the opposite. Finding out how my child really feels about his circumstance is crucial. For instance, if he doesn’t care that his coach is benching him, then he probably won’t learn to have a better work ethic this season, and I should let it go until it matters to him.
2. Be her greatest cheerleader. Notes in school lunches or on the bathroom mirror, encouraging words, talking at dinner about how proud you are that she is facing her fears. Reminding her that she is safe and loved at home makes everything outside of home a little less scary.
3. Be his greatest advocate. Help him navigate through circumstances without taking them over. Discuss with teachers or coaches how to work together to improve difficult situations. I learn a lot about my children from the other authority figures in their lives. Showing my child that working to improve the system, or to modify his own behavior when necessary, helps him learn how to function in a society where not everyone thinks the same way about things.
4. Role play. Recently, one of my boys was hurt by someone’s careless words. We practiced what to say next time, and what to say if it was happening to other people around us. It is actually kind of fun to do this, and it really helps kids to know their parent is “on their team”.
5. Look to Jesus together. I love to ask my children what they would like to see happen in a tough circumstance, and then ask God to do a miracle for them. Kids are awesome at this. They pray great prayers for justice, healing of hearts, and bravery. Reminding them that Jesus faced enormous pain and unfair treatment softens their hearts for the gospel, and shows them there is value in suffering and sacrifice. My children have learned first-hand about turning the other cheek, loving their enemies, and standing up for purity and righteousness because of their own sin and that of other people. There is beauty in ashes for them, too.
